How To Make a Mediocre Meal

Look, let’s face it. We can’t all be Remy from Ratatouille. In fact, some of us might even be the opposite. We don’t have a little chef inside of us instructing us on how to craft delicious meals. We have a brain-dead ignoramus who can type up a pretty good blog post, but who knows absolute shit about making a decent-tasting meal.

Not to worry, my friends. I’ve got you covered. Before you utterly destroy a food item you’re attempting to cook, take a look at my FIVE EASY STEPS for prepping a meal. With these handy tips, making food for yourself will be a non-daunting task!

1. Embrace the Microwave

Technology has taken leaps and bounds since the first time a stove was invented. One of the most useful items constructed for a kitchen is the microwave. This handy device heats up food within minutes, even seconds, depending on the food.

So what if it doesn’t always heat up food evenly? Those random cold spots in your meal provide some temperature variety for your tongue to enjoy.

Ignore those hoity-toity nincompoops who scoff at you for using the microwave more than you should. Embrace the ease a microwave gives to you!

2. Accept More Cold Food into Your Diet

A lot of the difficulty in cooking comes from heating things up. Whether you’re baking something in the oven, frying something on the stove, or boiling something in a pot, the tougher aspects of cooking come from cranking the temperatures up.

Clearly, the best way to make your life easier is to eat things at room temperature or colder. Go the way of the refrigerated cheese sticks. When you grocery shop, pick items that you can simply pluck from the fridge and munch on immediately.

One day, I had a breakfast that consisted of an apple and a slice of bread, a lunch that consisted of baby carrots and a leaf of lettuce, and a dinner that consisted of cold pizza. I was in utter bliss, i.e. abject misery, the whole day.

3. Bread Should Be Your Food Foundation

There’s a reason why people say, “This is the greatest thing since sliced bread.” That’s because sliced bread is awesome!

There are so many ways you can eat bread, so many meals you can craft from two measly slices. You can make a PBJ sandwich. You can make toast with a variety of spreads, be it butter or jam. You can dip it into cold soup. Or you can roll it into a ball and just stuff it in your mouth.

Bread is one of the most versatile food items you can eat. It’s the unsung hero of my diet! Wait, hold on. I’m reading something about an overloading of carbs. Ah, well, it’s too long. Didn’t finish it. Anyway, bread should comprise the majority of your diet!

4. Use a Lot of Salt

Flavor is important when eating. Why? ‘Cause otherwise you’re just absorbing a bunch of tasteless nutrients into your mouth. And by far the easiest flavoring to achieve is that of the salty variety.

No matter what you’re attempting to create, it never hurts to throw a dash of salt on there. If you have a salt container of any kind, it should be the most prominent thing on your kitchen table. It should be within reach of anyone who wants to flavor up their meal.

Is there such a thing as too much salt? Maybe. Yes. No. I don’t know. Too much of anything can be bad for you. All I know is that I just put salt in my coffee and I’m experiencing whole new levels of fantastic grossness.

5. Mix Everything in a Bowl

I prefer bowls to plates because when I have a plate in front of me, I can see how sparse my prepared meals look. The gaps between my food items remind me of how empty my life really is and how I’m in this endless cycle of trying to fill up those spaces with meaningless and trivial things like baby carrots and puns and sweaters and once I realize how inept my attempts to cover these holes in my soul truly are I feel myself spiraling into this abyss of eternal torment and low self-esteem that I can’t claw my way out of so I just eat more baby carrots and wear multiple sweaters and spout off more puns until I feel like my mind will explode.

Which is why I use bowls now.

Putting your food into bowls gets rid of those nasty spaces, so you can go about your day in total peace.