How To Make a Mediocre Meal

Look, let’s face it. We can’t all be Remy from Ratatouille. In fact, some of us might even be the opposite. We don’t have a little chef inside of us instructing us on how to craft delicious meals. We have a brain-dead ignoramus who can type up a pretty good blog post, but who knows absolute shit about making a decent-tasting meal.

Not to worry, my friends. I’ve got you covered. Before you utterly destroy a food item you’re attempting to cook, take a look at my FIVE EASY STEPS for prepping a meal. With these handy tips, making food for yourself will be a non-daunting task!

1. Embrace the Microwave

Technology has taken leaps and bounds since the first time a stove was invented. One of the most useful items constructed for a kitchen is the microwave. This handy device heats up food within minutes, even seconds, depending on the food.

So what if it doesn’t always heat up food evenly? Those random cold spots in your meal provide some temperature variety for your tongue to enjoy.

Ignore those hoity-toity nincompoops who scoff at you for using the microwave more than you should. Embrace the ease a microwave gives to you!

2. Accept More Cold Food into Your Diet

A lot of the difficulty in cooking comes from heating things up. Whether you’re baking something in the oven, frying something on the stove, or boiling something in a pot, the tougher aspects of cooking come from cranking the temperatures up.

Clearly, the best way to make your life easier is to eat things at room temperature or colder. Go the way of the refrigerated cheese sticks. When you grocery shop, pick items that you can simply pluck from the fridge and munch on immediately.

One day, I had a breakfast that consisted of an apple and a slice of bread, a lunch that consisted of baby carrots and a leaf of lettuce, and a dinner that consisted of cold pizza. I was in utter bliss, i.e. abject misery, the whole day.

3. Bread Should Be Your Food Foundation

There’s a reason why people say, “This is the greatest thing since sliced bread.” That’s because sliced bread is awesome!

There are so many ways you can eat bread, so many meals you can craft from two measly slices. You can make a PBJ sandwich. You can make toast with a variety of spreads, be it butter or jam. You can dip it into cold soup. Or you can roll it into a ball and just stuff it in your mouth.

Bread is one of the most versatile food items you can eat. It’s the unsung hero of my diet! Wait, hold on. I’m reading something about an overloading of carbs. Ah, well, it’s too long. Didn’t finish it. Anyway, bread should comprise the majority of your diet!

4. Use a Lot of Salt

Flavor is important when eating. Why? ‘Cause otherwise you’re just absorbing a bunch of tasteless nutrients into your mouth. And by far the easiest flavoring to achieve is that of the salty variety.

No matter what you’re attempting to create, it never hurts to throw a dash of salt on there. If you have a salt container of any kind, it should be the most prominent thing on your kitchen table. It should be within reach of anyone who wants to flavor up their meal.

Is there such a thing as too much salt? Maybe. Yes. No. I don’t know. Too much of anything can be bad for you. All I know is that I just put salt in my coffee and I’m experiencing whole new levels of fantastic grossness.

5. Mix Everything in a Bowl

I prefer bowls to plates because when I have a plate in front of me, I can see how sparse my prepared meals look. The gaps between my food items remind me of how empty my life really is and how I’m in this endless cycle of trying to fill up those spaces with meaningless and trivial things like baby carrots and puns and sweaters and once I realize how inept my attempts to cover these holes in my soul truly are I feel myself spiraling into this abyss of eternal torment and low self-esteem that I can’t claw my way out of so I just eat more baby carrots and wear multiple sweaters and spout off more puns until I feel like my mind will explode.

Which is why I use bowls now.

Putting your food into bowls gets rid of those nasty spaces, so you can go about your day in total peace.

How To Start Your Day When You Just Feel Blegh

Even though quarantining, self-isolation, and sheltering at home have not largely altered my life, I’m not immune to the monotony of my new routines.

I mean, I’m a very comfortable introvert, but even I’m longing to just go to a movie with one of my buddies.

Or to pick up a smoothie.

Or to find some tasy goddamn dumplings.

Ugh. I’m craving dumplings.

Lately, I’ve found myself stagnating in a pool of ambivalence every time I wake up because my day will follow the same cookie-cutter schedule without any deviations.

I wake up, go to work, eat lunch, do some chores, go for a walk, watch a movie, play a game, go to sleep. Rinse, dry, repeat.

Anyway, as a continuation of my new “How To” series, I’ve decided to write up some tips about how to stave off this blanket of boredom and ennui I’ve been suffering from. If you feel the way I do, hopefully these steps help.

Sleep Till Your Belly Button Pops

I know this might seem counter-intuitive if you’re trying to make yourself more alert and ready for the day, but sleeping in is a must if you want to maintain a) your health and b) your energy level for the rest of the day.

Occasionally, there are times where sleeping in makes you feel more tired than before (which is weird, but it’s happened to me too), but overall, I’d say the benefits of only leaving your bed until you want to outweigh the negatives.

I mean, at least sleep will take up some time from the boredom, am I right?

Drink Your Daily Coffee

You don’t neccessarily have to imbibe caffeine every morning, but you should have a regular drink you sip to start your day, be it orange juice, tea, or milk.

I like to drink a cup of coffee in the morning, and by doing so, it’s one of the ways I let my body know it’s time to start the day.

Plus, yeah, caffeine helps.

Give Yourself a No-Work Lazy Day Once a Week

One of the reasons I’m being crippled by listlessness these days is that I work every day. I work from home, so this sheltering in place thing has seen my workload continue, if not triple. As such, I don’t have that rejuvenating break from work colloquially known as “the weekend.”

Something I’ve noticed that can help me out is if I finagle my work schedule so that for one entire day, I have no work. It’s just one day of me being able to do whatever the hell I want (while self-isolating). I can walk around the block one hundred times. I can go on a Star Wars movie spree. I can work on a puzzle while drinking supbar lemonade.

These breaks are bliss, and I should really schedule more of them for myself. Sadly, I’m a bit anal when it comes to working every day.

Play That Funky Music

I can’t understate the importance of listening to uplifting tunes in the morning. It’s one of the only things that keeps me sane.

Nothing gets you excited for the day like bopping along to some foot-tappers.

I highly recommend “Tragedy” by the Bee Gees, “Sunlight” by TheFatRat, or “Another Sunny Day” by Belle & Sebastian. (Those are just a minuscule fraction of the songs I listen to every day.)

Meme It Up in the Morning

I groggily reach for my phone every morning to see if anyone has texted me. The answer is usually no, but sometimes I have a few work emails waiting for me.

Yay.

One thing you can do to brighten up your day is to browse through social media feeds looking not for how awesome and stellar everyone else’s lives are but for those sweet, sweet memes.

Starting your day with a guffaw is helpful.

Take a Shower

I think I shower once every other day.

On the days when I do shower, there is a noticeable increase in my evergy levels. Something about getting clean and dressing myself just kind of wires me up to be more prepared to tackle my day.

Force Yourself To Go Outside at Least Once

I’m not a naturally athletic person, so I can empathize with people who just stay indoors all day.

Still, going for a walk around the block, a run in the park, or, hell, even just standing outside on the front lawn, can be refreshing.

Make Your Own Holidays

I did this for a bit, and it was quite fun for a while.

I made up imaginary holidays, like Hat Day, Feet Day, Romper Day, etc. Went on for a good two weeks. I posted daily on my Instagram stories and even got some of my friends to follow along.

In the end, I got tired of having to be so active on my Instagram (oops), so I stopped doing it, but it was definitely a diverting manner in which to break up my typical routine.

Schedule Treats for Yourself

I have an agenda that I use to make sure I keep up with my work schedule. Every time I finish a task, I check it off on my agenda.

In order to liven up my days, I also include fun things on my agenda. For example, for today, I wrote “Movie Night with Bubba,” because my friend and I are going to hop on Discord and watch a movie together while social distancing.

Even though it’s an inconsequential, fun activity, it feels so satisfying to check it off when I’ve done it.

Dunk Your Head in Water

Seriously.

Do it.

You might think this is something that only works in movies and TV shows, but it works.

This is the ultimate wake-up call, and I never feel so alert as after I’ve randomly soaked my head in water.

How To Develop a Close Relationship with Your Pet Bird

Anyone who thinks owning a bird is like owning a fish is fooling themselves. There is more spark and personality in a bird than in any floppy old fish.

Side note: I am so sorry to any fish owners I am currently offending.

I got my cockatiel, Froley, because I wanted a pet that I could show affection to and who would show that affection back. And by golly, that’s what ended up happening. I have never had a pet who I love more than Froley. He is the cutest widdle bird in the whole wide world, and he’s more affectionate than I had originally hoped for.

However, getting to that point in your relationship with your pet bird can be difficult. It’s a long process, and it’s easy to feel disheartened about it. You don’t buy birds that automatically love you, especially if you’re buying it from a pet store.

Side note: Most bird help books recommend you purchase your new pet bird from a breeder, but given where you live, that isn’t always feasible. It sure wasn’t for me.

Despite that, it is possible to develop a close bond with your bird, and here are a few tips to get you started.

Side note: I have only ever owned one pet bird, and it is a cockatiel. Am I an authority? Kinda, maybe, sorta, not really.

Set up the cage before bringing them home.

It can be tempting to go on a spending splurge the day you get your new bird, buying them a cage, toys, food containers, cuttle bones etc., but you should definitely buy those things and set them up before you actually buy the bird. Your new pet is going to be super stressed as it is, arriving in this alien house that it isn’t used to. It doesn’t need to see or hear the clanging and banging of its cage being constructed. That’s like the opposite of a welcome mat.

Give your bird its space.

This was a tough one for me. As soon as I got Froley, I immediately wanted to start working on interacting with him. But you’ve got to give your birdie time to acclimate to its new surroundings. Let him or her have some space in those early days. It’s a simple piece of advice that can really help with getting your bird comfortable.

Make sure they watch you bringing food.

Birds are not dumb creatures, and they are really good at picking up visual and audio cues. As such, if you consistently bring them food in a certain manner at a certain time of day, they will learn to associate you with their yummy-yum time. And you want them to associate you with something they like. For a long time, that’s the only reason Froley really liked me. I brought him his pellets. He now knows the sound of the bag when I open it and the exact location of the tub I keep it in.

Hang out by their cage.

While you don’t want to immediately pressure your bird when you get it, you don’t want to just ignore it. If you just ignore it, it will become accustomed to being left alone. If you ever find yourself with some down time, whether you’re reading, chilling on your phone, or watching some Netflix, do it by your bird’s cage. Let them see you doing a quiet activity nearby. I used to read to Froley from my Cockatiels for Dummies book all the time. I don’t know if he appreciated it, but he did eventually learn to not be afraid of books.

Only buy a single bird.

If your bird has the option to turn to another bird for company, it will usually pick the bird over you. That’s why some pet owners purposefully purchase two birds. They want their birds to have each other for company. However, if your end objective is to share an incredibly close bond with your bird, it helps if you’re the only one they can turn to for a cuddle. I hate to sound like a cruel monster that kept Froley from other bird companions, but I know for a fact that he and I are only so close because I was the one creature who spent any amount of time with him.

Try using a treat for your first moment of physical contact.

When both you and your birdie are ready for the next step in closeness, have one of their favorite treats nearby to facilitate the contact. Froley and I started becoming closer when I tried hand-feeding him his seeds. He really seemed to like that, and it built up trust levels like you wouldn’t believe. Eventually, I used treats to coax him up onto my finger, and after that, the real treat became just hanging out with me.

Attempt to pet your bird shortly after it has molted.

When birds molt, their new feathers come out in these thin, white sheaths. These sheaths then crumble into dust revealing the new feather lying within. Normally, a bird can nibble away at their own sheaths in order to free them. However, they have a hard time reaching the ones on their head. That’s where other birds come in. Bird buddies will preen the sheaths off of their fellows’ heads for them. Without a bird buddy, that job is left undone. These sheaths are incredibly itchy for your bird, so if you want to ingratiate yourself to him or her while simultaneously worming your way into his or her affection, giving your bird scritches during this time period is ideal.

Be patient.

This is the most important bit of advice I can give. I’m not gonna lie, I sometimes cried at the thought that Froley didn’t seem to care much for me in those first few weeks. I had read so much about bird affection before getting him that I felt really let down when things didn’t immediately turn out that way for me. But see, birds aren’t like cats or dogs. Both cats and dogs are predator animals, bred to work alongside humans as partners. Birds are prey animals, and fearfulness keeps them alive in the wild. Trust has to be earned with them so that they can learn to rely on you for their safety.

So give your bird the time required to build that trust. It took me over a month to get close to Froley. But the wait is well worth it. When you’re cuddling with a bird, and you can actually feel its tiny skull underneath your fingertips as you give it some little scritches, there is no other feeling like it in the world. It is a tiny life form that has entirely entrusted its well-being in the palm of your hand. It’s not even a tenth of your size, but it will hop onto your shoulder without a care once you have established that bond.

Side note: I feel incredibly lucky to have Froley in my life every day, and not a morning goes by where I don’t appreciate the magnitude of how implicitly he trusts me.